


Vernal Equinox

by jturner36



Series: Doug & Carol - by Jordan Turner [33]
Category: E.R.
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 15:39:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14475828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jturner36/pseuds/jturner36
Summary: Carol copes without Doug during her pregnancy. Thanks again to Ruth, Claire, and Katy. You're invaluable!





	Vernal Equinox

**Author's Note:**

> The show ER, and all characters and situations borrowed from it, are property of Constant-C, NBC, Warner Brothers, etc. This fanfiction is for entertainment only, and no money is made from it. The story contains graphic scenes and words which may offend some readers, and as such, it is not appropriate for children under 18. This story is not to be archived or distributed without the permission of the author.
> 
> Stories in the series:  
> A Clean Break; Stages of Ending; Retribution; Covenant; Tap-dance; Free Falling; Blink of an Eye; Vivisection; Keepsakes; In the Steam; Through the Night; Cornerstone; Domesticity; Caretaker; To CH; The Empty Space; Tenderhearted; Intoxicated; The Present; Summit; The Harbor, Part I; The Harbor, Part II; Transition Game; Expectations; Joint Venture; Kiss of Life; Residuum; Aftermath; Letters Never Sent; Wonderful Things; The Mere Fragrance; Walking the Tightrope; Vernal Equinox; Bits of Broken Glass; What it's Not; Ayant Seulement L'Imagination; Culmination; Tidings of Comfort; Parallel Hearts; Visitation Rites; Wee Small Hours; Barometric Pressure; The Emerald City; A Peaceable Start; Mother's Day; Spilling Forth; Significant Other; Doug and Carol

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
To have and not to hold  
So hot, yet so cold  
My heart is in your hand  
And yet you never stand  
Close enough for me to have my way  
\- Madonna  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'm about halfway through my pregnancy now. Amazing, isn't it? This past winter seems so far away. That night in February, it...well, it seems so long ago.

They came for the boxes today. Two guys, looked like college students. Rang the bell two hours late without apologizing. I pointed to his pile in the basement and they cleared everything within twenty minutes. Maybe it was faster. I wanted to ask where they were taking them. The boxes. What was the address? I didn't, though. I can find him, I have his work number. I can find him if I need to.

I...this is going to sound so dumb, but I wanted to ask them how he was doing, what he was thinking about. Like they would know anything. These were the damned moving guys. They didn't know anything. You see, I know the answer. I just don't want to think about it. Because I know how he's doing.

It isn't that hard now. It took a while, but I'm used to it. Sure, I expected it to work out differently. I did. I'm being honest. He'd always come back before, he could never stay away. That's why I was so surprised. You see, I counted on it, then. It's what sustained me, back then.

Well. Some days it's harder than others.

The hardest time of day is after dinner. I mean, it is when I'm working days. I clean up after myself and then look around wondering how else to spend my time. Up until today, the weather had been perfect. It was sunny, cool, breezy. You know, when you leave the windows open and forget all about winter. But it's been raining lately.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
To love but not to keep  
To laugh, not to weep  
Your eyes they go right through  
And yet you never do  
Anything to make me want to stay  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes I go for a walk in the evening. It was awkward at first. I felt awkward. We...Doug and me, we were never really that close to the neighbors. Oh, we'd wave from the backyard, pick up each others' mail, borrow a stick of butter, but we'd just surface-talk, you know? Hi, how are you, yes, it's cold/hot/muggy/beautiful out. They know I am a nurse, that Doug's a doctor, but no one ever took advantage of us. Well, there was that one night when Mrs. Baruski's baby had the croup and she called in a panic. I remember her voice on the phone and it was the one time she didn't use his first name.

"Please, Carol, can you or Dr. Ross come over quickly, please can you see the baby?" Maybe she thought if she used the word "doctor" everything would be okay, it would turn out all right. People tend to be like that when they're panicked. They want it all to be okay. They think the doctor will always make everything okay.

Doug pulled on some clothes and went over. I got there a few minutes later, and there he was, in the bathroom, holding the baby in his arms with the shower running full blast. He had peeled off his sweatshirt and was sitting on the edge of the tub in his T-shirt, his hair all curly from the humidity, talking to the captivated baby in a calm, soothing voice. You know, it was times like that...he was meant to do this in his life, he was born to care for children.

Most of the time we kept to ourselves. So for me, now, to walk outside while I am visibly pregnant is...uncomfortable. No one asks, and I guess they just assume Doug has up and left me. He has, you know. He left me. But, they probably think he left because I was pregnant. They really wouldn't know the truth. They'll just surmise it. They won't know I refused him, too.

The thing about it is, I'm happy to be expecting the babies. Sometimes I can't believe there are two. When Doug does something, he goes all out. Two babies. His.

I've thought about it a lot. I vacillate. Sometimes I want two girls, two sweet little girls. They'd share a room, have each other to giggle with at night. We'd be three women, together. But then I think, no.

Girls, you know, and their mothers, it's such a rocky road. I think maybe a mother sees herself in her daughters, knows her own heartache and she wants to spare them. I'm afraid I'd be that way, too, with daughters. Warning them about falling in love. About how much it hurts, afterward. How to hold something back, something for themselves.

The other thing is, little girls need their fathers. They do, you know. They need them around. Most people, they think it's the boy that needs him so much, but I don't know. Bickleman -- he was my shrink, a few years ago -- he said that I had so much trouble allowing myself to be loved because I could never believe a man would love me. I would never trust a man to stay with me. All this stuff about how my father abandoned me. I mean, he didn't abandon me, he died. He died. He didn't really leave. Not like Doug did. I asked him to stay.

So, then sometimes I think two boys would be great. Two boys. Yeah, two of them.

Watching them grow from tiny babies into rough and tumble toddlers. Being their first love, now that's heady, you know? Scrubbing the dirt from their brown knees in the summertime. Listening to their whispered plans for the next day late at night when they're supposed to be asleep.

My fear? Oh, it's not a fear, really. It's just...I hate to even say it. What if they look exactly like him? If they're the spitting image of their father? Seeing his face every day, falling in love with it all over again. His grin, his eyes.

What if they have his heart? How can I protect them then? I don't want my boys to be vulnerable. I don't. Maybe they won't end up alone if they have each other. Maybe a brother is just what they need. So they won't grow up alone.

In the end, I don't know what I want.

No matter, they grow more each day. My body, it's phenomenal. It's really something to see. In just a week's time, nothing fit. Nothing at all. No jeans, no khakis. My scrubs, I can wear for a while, because of the drawstring. This belly, it's got a mind of its own.

He'd be...surprised, seeing me now. The last time I saw him, I was naked in bed with him. He made love to me, held me close to him. Now, my belly...he -- he wouldn't be able to get that close, not like that night. He told me he loved me that night. I...I haven't heard that since. It's what made me cry. That and, well, he asked me if I still belonged to him. I was so hurt, I never answered him. Then, he just turned away from me and stayed very still. I should have answered him.

They talk about how beautiful pregnant women are. I don't know. I mean, beautiful? Doug was the expert. He never had a problem attracting beautiful women. It was hard, even when we weren't together, knowing he could have almost any woman he wanted. Invariably, they'd be young and gorgeous. Sometimes, in my mind, I'd remember them, remember the glimpses of them I'd see just before he went out. The way he placed his hand on them. Then, of course, I'd compare my body, and I'd always come up short. He loved my body, then. He did. I mean, I didn't, really. But he did. If he saw me now, he...well, I've really changed.

I imagine he might start seeing someone. I don't know, maybe. I mean, why not? He's...he's unattached now, he can. Got his own place again, he can travel. You see a guy like him in a bar, your mind just wanders. If he catches your eye, grins, you're gone. You're his for the night. You get to have him for one night.

Trouble is, once you have him, one night just isn't enough.

I used to worry, before. I did. My brain would graft his face, his hungry body onto pictures with other women. I mean, it's not like I would ever want to think about it, but it would creep in anyway. I know what he likes, what he'd look for in a woman. I know what it's like, having him make love to you. He knows it, too. What he does to you. He could read a woman, and then he'd know when to touch lightly, when to tease. How to overpower you with just one look. Damn, he knew.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Like a moth to a flame  
Only I am to blame  
Ba ba da ba ba ba  
What can I do  
Ba ba da ba ba ba  
I go straight to you  
Ba ba da ba ba ba  
I've been told  
Mmm...  
You're to have, not to hold  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Very few people know him. I mean, really know him. I know, I think, what's happening now. Because I do know him. I do. He's working all kinds of hours, smiling, friendly, doing his job. Probably goes to some playground somewhere after work; basketball exorcises demons. Then, he might stop for some Chinese food. Taco Bell, sometimes. He bitched when they stopped making those fajitas. He could put those away. Then, he'd go home. Watch a game on television. Stare at it for hours. Same thing, next day. Saturday, he might make breakfast for himself. It would be the only time he'd cook. He didn't really like to cook dinner just for himself, he never would if he had to be by himself. But, he'd cook breakfast. Bacon, eggs, sometimes home fries. There might even be jazz playing in the background. He'd eat, then stuff as much as he could into the dishwasher.

He would spend the weekend alone almost all the time. You see, he was always well-liked, but he had very few close friends. He wanted male friends, he did. But sometimes he just didn't know how to find them. I always felt he was a bit intimidated sometimes around other men, like they had some secret from their childhood that he'd missed, some magic formula passed down from father to son that he never had. Mark, he and Mark, now that was a funny one. Really. I mean, they have so little in common. They were friends, but I know Doug wouldn't open up to him like he would to me, even before we dated.

He just couldn't.

I know he had it rough when he was little. I figured it out long before he told me. I could tell. It was the way he'd regard the little ones when they came through the doors. It was, in fact, the subject of one of our deepest discussions just this past Christmas.

Ray wasn't always a monster. He was a smooth-talking charmer. Huh. Yeah. I know all about that. Doug said Ray was great. Until he started drinking. Then he'd turn violent. He was pretty intolerant of anyone else, though, and wanted to live life his own way. Inflexible, I guess. I often wondered if that's why Doug had so much trouble with Kerry Weaver. I'm not comparing Kerry to Ray, no, that's not what I mean. But she can be inflexible, too. That's not such a bad thing, someone needs to be in charge, make sure things go smoothly, by the book, but Doug rebels against it. He never wanted anyone to rein him in.

He was always worried, I think, deep down inside about becoming Ray. Sure, he had the drinking, the womanizing, the reckless attitude down pat. No, he was afraid one day he'd turn violent, just like his father. It frightened him to death, I knew. But, you know, he never would. I'd always reassure him, he never would. His heart was too kind, his hands too gentle.

Now that it stays light out until later, I walk past the playground sometimes. There's always a pickup game, mostly younger guys. Doug would go out, he'd play with them. At times he'd have to leave the court, it was tough for him to keep up. But most of the time, he was in the thick of it. He loved to play here. Sad thing is, I'm sure none of the guys wonder where he is. It's like that with guys. One day, a man shows up to play ball, then another, he disappears. They don't wonder about him, if he's okay. If he's lonely. To them, he was just another guy. Another face.

What do I think? Really?

What, about love? Him?

If I had to put it into words, I guess...what I'd most likely say is that he would have given me the moon if he could.

Why he didn't stay, I don't know. Maybe, in my own way, I was testing him. It was our last hurdle. Would he sacrifice everything for me? That's what I wanted to know. Would he die inside for me?

Thing was, that night he was already dead inside. In my anger, at first, I thought it was Mark or Kerry. They'd done it, killed his soul. But in the end, I know who did it.

I know who it was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
To look but not to see  
To kiss but never be  
The object of your desire  
I'm walking on a wire  
And there's no one at all to break my fall

You're to have, not to hold  
You're to have... not to hold  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The end


End file.
